## Metadata - Author: [[Brené Brown]] - Full Title: Atlas of the Heart - Category: #Source/books ## Highlights - Today, when I see that parent at my kids’ events, I have to put myself in a trance or leave. ([Location 374](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=374)) - I understood that people would do almost anything to not feel pain, including causing pain and abusing power, and I understood that there were very few people who could handle being held accountable for causing hurt without rationalizing, blaming, or shutting down. ([Location 402](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=402)) - the connection between feelings, thinking, and behavior. ([Location 405](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=405)) - We see the pain caused by the misuse of power, so we numb our pain and lose track of our own power. We become terrified of feeling pain, so we engage in behaviors that become a magnet for more pain. We run from anger and grief straight into the arms of fear, perfectionism, and the desperate need for control. ([Location 417](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=417)) - Note: Numbing of pain through drugs etc. - It may be just a couple of sentences here, but it was years of terrifying change, hard goodbyes, and boundaries—a truckload of boundaries. ([Location 422](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=422)) - I learned that taking the edge off is not rewarding, but putting the edge back on is one of the most worthwhile things we can do. Those sharp edges feel vulnerable, but they are also the markers that let us know where we end and others begin. ([Location 425](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=425)) - Note: She's talking about boundaries - The edges taught me that the more I used alcohol, food, work, caretaking, and whatever else I could get my hands on to numb my anxiety and vulnerability, the less I would understand my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. I finally realized that trying to outrun and outsmart vulnerability and pain is choosing a life defined by suffering and exhaustion. ([Location 427](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=427)) - I’ve learned that power is not bad, but the abuse of power or using power over others is the opposite of courage; it’s a desperate attempt to maintain a very fragile ego. ([Location 433](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=433)) - I also learned that when you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that’s not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I’m not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability. ([Location 439](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=439)) - you have to let the people you love experience the consequences of their own behavior. That one really hurts. ([Location 442](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=442)) - People will do almost anything to not feel pain, including causing pain and abusing power; ([Location 452](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=452)) - Very few people can handle being held accountable without rationalizing, blaming, or shutting down; ([Location 453](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=453)) - Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it’s almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other. ([Location 454](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=454)) - When we don’t understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other. ([Location 455](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=455)) - Note: Interesting how this links to social media breaking down society. Influences emotions, behaviours and causes this friction. - those who are able to distinguish between a range of various emotions “do much, much better at managing the ups and downs of ordinary existence than those who see everything in black and white.”9 In fact, research shows that the process of labeling emotional experience is related to greater emotion regulation and psychosocial well-being. ([Location 487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=487)) - a universe where we can share the stories of our bravest and most heartbreaking moments with each other in a way that builds connection. ([Location 502](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=502)) - I’m a social worker before I’m anything else, and “meeting people where they are” is an ethical mandate from this perspective. ([Location 570](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=570)) - “Maps are the most important documents in human history. They give us tools to store and exchange knowledge about space and place.” I know I’m a map geek, but when he said that, I got goosebumps. We are meaning makers, and a sense of place is central to meaning-making. ([Location 599](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=599)) - Note: Link to maps of content #### Stressed - We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demand as beyond our ability to cope successfully.1 This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded. ([Location 649](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=649)) - High levels of perceived stress have been shown to correlate with more rapid aging, decreased immune function, greater inflammatory processes, less sleep, and poorer health behaviors.4 ([Location 661](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=661)) #### Overwhelmed - Overwhelmed means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function. ([Location 664](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=664)) - Kabat-Zinn suggests that mindful play, or no-agenda, non-doing time, is the cure for overwhelm, it made sense to me why, when we were blown at the restaurant, we weren’t asked to help problem-solve the situation. We were just asked to engage in non-doing. ([Location 675](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=675)) - researcher Carol Gohm used the term “overwhelmed” to describe an experience where our emotions are intense, our focus on them is moderate, and our clarity about exactly what we’re feeling is low enough that we get confused when trying to identify or describe the emotions.7 ([Location 680](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=680)) #### Anxiety - American Psychological Association defines anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure.”11 Anxiety can be both a state and a trait. ([Location 708](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=708)) - Generalized anxiety disorder is different from both trait and state anxiety. According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, “generalized anxiety disorder is a condition of excessive worry about everyday issues and situations.”14 ([Location 722](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=722)) - I’d describe myself as having frequent state anxiety with trait rising, ([Location 729](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=729)) - Our anxiety often leads to one of two coping mechanisms: worry or avoidance. Unfortunately, neither of these coping strategies is very effective. ([Location 735](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=735)) - Worrying and anxiety go together, but worry is not an emotion; it’s the thinking part of anxiety. Worry is described as a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future. ([Location 737](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=737)) - those of us with a tendency to worry believe it is helpful for coping (it is not), believe it is uncontrollable (which means we don’t try to stop worrying), and try to suppress worry thoughts (which actually strengthens and reinforces worry). ([Location 739](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=739)) - Avoidance, the second coping strategy for anxiety, is not showing up and often spending a lot of energy zigzagging around and away from that thing that already feels like it’s consuming us. ([Location 743](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=743)) - Dr. Harriet Lerner writes, “It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life.19 Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable, so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you less afraid.” ([Location 745](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=745)) - excitement is described as an energized state of enthusiasm leading up to or during an enjoyable activity, it doesn’t always feel great. We can get the same “coming out of our skin” feeling that we experience when we’re feeling anxious. ([Location 752](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=752)) - try to determine whether we’re feeling anxiety or excitement. Researchers found that labeling the emotion as excitement seems to hinge on interpreting the bodily sensations as positive. ([Location 756](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=756)) - Dread occurs frequently in response to high-probability negative events; its magnitude increases as the dreaded event draws nearer. ([Location 758](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=758)) - Fear is a negative, short-lasting, high-alert emotion in response to a perceived threat, and, like anxiety, it can be measured as a state or trait. ([Location 766](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=766)) - we experience social pain and physical pain in the same part of our brains, and the potential exposure to either type of pain drives fear. ([Location 773](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=773)) - “Throughout evolutionary history, anxiety and fear have helped every species to be wary and to survive. ([Location 775](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=775)) #### Vulnerability - Vulnerability is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. ([Location 782](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=782)) - most of us were raised to believe that being vulnerable is being weak. This sets up an unresolvable tension for most of us, because we were also raised to be brave. There is no courage without vulnerability. Courage requires the willingness to lean into uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. ([Location 794](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=794)) - If we can’t handle uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure in a way that aligns with our values and furthers our organizational goals, we can’t lead. ([Location 798](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=798)) - Note: How does this link to my view that leadership is just about looking after people in short and long term? - Places We Go When We Compare ([Location 807](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=807)) - Note: .h1 - More often than not, social comparison falls outside of our awareness—we don’t even know we’re doing it. This lack of awareness can lead to us showing up in ways that are hurtful to ourselves and others. All of the experiences in this section are connected to comparison, and the goal is to raise our awareness about how and why they happen so we can name them, think about them, and make choices that reflect our values ([Location 820](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=820)) - we use comparison not only to evaluate past and current outcomes, but to predict future prospects. ([Location 827](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=827)) - Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other—it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out. Comparison says, “Be like everyone else, but better.” ([Location 833](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=833)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - frequent social comparisons are not associated with life satisfaction or the positive emotions of love and joy but are associated with the negative emotions of fear, anger, shame, and sadness.” ([Location 850](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=850)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Many social psychologists consider social comparison something that happens to us. Fujita writes, “From this perspective, when we are presented with another person who is obviously better or worse off, we have no choice but to make a social comparison. ([Location 853](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=853)) - If we don’t want this constant automatic ranking to negatively shape our lives, our relationships, and our future, we need to stay aware enough to know when it’s happening and what emotions it’s driving. ([Location 874](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=874)) #### Admiration and Reverence - Reverence, which is sometimes called adoration, worship, or veneration, is a deeper form of admiration or respect and is often combined with a sense of meaningful connection with something greater than ourselves. ([Location 885](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=885)) - reverence seems to foster a desire for connection to what we revere—we want to move closer to that thing or person. ([Location 889](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=889)) #### Envy and Jealousy - Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have. ([Location 904](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=904)) ##### Envy - The fact that hostility and a desire for denigration are sometimes part of envy makes it tough to own that emotion. ([Location 918](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=918)) ##### Jealousy - “The core form of jealousy primarily involves threats to relationship rewards including loss of a loved one’s attention, affection, or resources to another.”11 ([Location 929](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=929)) - We might feel anger, or sadness, or fear, but what goes through our mind is that we are jealous. And the reason for our jealousy (and the accompanying emotion) is that the other person or activity is threatening to take time away from our relationship. ([Location 936](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=936)) - Am I fearful of losing something I value to another person, or do I want something someone else has? If I want something that someone else has, do I want to see them lose it, or is it not about that? If I’m scared I’m losing something important to me, what kind of conversation do I need to have with that person? ([Location 960](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=960)) #### Resentment - We know from the research that unwanted identity is the most powerful elicitor of shame. If you want to know what’s likely to trigger shame for you, just fill in this sentence stem: It’s really important for me not to be perceived as ________________. ([Location 966](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=966)) - Now when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, What is that person doing wrong? or What should they be doing? I think, What do I need but am afraid to ask for? While resentment is definitely an emotion, I normally recognize it by a familiar thought pattern: What mean and critical thing am I rehearsing saying to this person? ([Location 999](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=999)) - Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. ([Location 1007](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1007)) - In the case of “schadenfreude,” it simply means pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune. ([Location 1014](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1014)) - Taking pleasure in someone else’s failings, even if that person is someone we really dislike, can violate our values and lead to feelings of guilt and shame. But, make no mistake, it’s seductive, especially when we’re sucked into groupthink. ([Location 1028](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1028)) - it’s tempting to celebrate that suffering together and to stir up collective emotion. That kind of bonding might feel good for a moment, but nothing that celebrates the humiliation or pain of another person builds lasting connection. ([Location 1032](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1032)) - when we feel relieved, grateful, or even happy that someone who has done something hurtful, unethical, or unjust is held accountable, that’s not schadenfreude and normally doesn’t stem from counter-empathy. ([Location 1041](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1041)) - Schadenfreude has trait-like properties, meaning that some people have a tendency to take greater pleasure in others’ misfortune across a range of scenarios. It is positively correlated with envy, aggression, narcissism, and anger, and negatively correlated with empathy and conscientiousness. ([Location 1047](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1047)) #### Freudenfreude - freudenfreude, which is the opposite of schadenfreude—it’s the enjoyment of another’s success. It’s also a subset of empathy. ([Location 1060](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1060)) - “When others report success to us, they generally hope for an empathic response of shared joy (Freudenfreude).29 If instead they get a negative, competitive reaction, they may respond with confusion, disappointment, irritation, or all three. Ongoing lack of Freudenfreude eventually can pose a fatal challenge to a relationship, and in turn, relationship failure often produces depression. We suspected that depressed folks might exhibit deficiencies in Freudenfreude.” ([Location 1062](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1062)) - good friends aren’t afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don’t blow out theirs—even when it’s really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame. When something good happens to you, they celebrate your flame. When something good happens to them, you celebrate their flame. ([Location 1068](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1068)) ##### shoy and bragitude. - Shoy: intentionally sharing the joy of someone relating a success story by showing interest and asking follow-up questions.30 ([Location 1075](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1075)) - Bragitude: intentionally tying words of gratitude toward the listener following discussion of personal successes. ([Location 1077](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1077)) ### Places We Go When Things Don’t Go As Planned #### Boredom - Boredom is the uncomfortable state of wanting to engage in satisfying activity, but being unable to do it. ([Location 1093](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1093)) - When we have more control and autonomy over the boring tasks, it’s more likely that boredom will leave us feeling lethargic. If we have little autonomy and control over the boring tasks, we are more likely to feel frustration. ([Location 1098](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1098)) - As researcher and writer Sherry Turkle says, “Boredom is your imagination calling to you.”5 ([Location 1115](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1115)) #### Disappointment and Regret ##### Disappointment - Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment. ([Location 1129](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1129)) - Unexamined and Unexpressed Expectations (aka Stealth Expectations) ([Location 1136](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1136)) - Tags: [[h4]] - the research tells us that disappointment is one of the most frequently experienced emotions, and it tends to be experienced at a high level of intensity.7 ([Location 1138](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1138)) - sometimes that disappointment is severe and brings shame and hurt and anger with it. ([Location 1145](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1145)) - Note: Talking about stealth expectations, when they’re not met - we come away from the experience of disappointment feeling bad about ourselves and the other person.8 Our negativity is tinged with astonishment and surprise, and, at the same time we’re trying to forgive, we’re concealing emotions. We’re trying to think positively and urging ourselves to move on. It’s exhausting. ([Location 1148](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1148)) - I’ve learned that my expectations often come down to fear, a need for certainty, or a need for rest and play. It’s just so hard to ask sometimes. But it doesn’t stop me from expecting. ([Location 1176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1176)) - When I hand off an assignment at work, I will often say “Let me paint done”—and if I don’t, you can be assured that the person on my team will say “I’m on it. But I need you to paint done.” “Painting done” means fully walking through my expectations of what the completed task will look like, including when it will be done, what I’ll do with the information, how it will be used, the context, the consequences of not doing it, the costs—everything we can think of to paint a shared picture of the expectations. It’s one of the most powerful tools we have. Here ([Location 1183](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1183)) - “If you’re not asking for what’s important to you, maybe it’s because you don’t think you are worth it.” ([Location 1207](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1207)) - Examined and Expressed Expectations ([Location 1218](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1218)) - Tags: [[h4]] - When someone shares their hopes and dreams with us, we are witnessing deep courage and vulnerability. Celebrating their successes is easy, but when disappointment happens, it’s an incredible opportunity for meaningful connection. ([Location 1228](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1228)) - When we’ve self-examined and shared expectations with someone and we feel they’ve let us down, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open, circle back, and talk about our feelings and move to accountability. ([Location 1231](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1231)) - There are too many people in the world today who decide to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment. ([Location 1243](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1243)) ##### Regret - Both disappointment and regret arise when an outcome was not what we wanted, counted on, or thought would happen. ... With regret, we believe the outcome was caused by our decisions or actions. ([Location 1267](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1267)) - So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it: What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.17 Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded … sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly. ([Location 1277](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1277)) - 90 percent of regrets fall into one of six categories: education, career, romance, parenting, self-improvement, and leisure, I’ve heard many research participants echo Saunders in regretting failures of kindness.18 ([Location 1280](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1280)) - regret is one of our most powerful emotional reminders that reflection, change, and growth are necessary. In our research, regret emerged as a function of empathy. And, when used constructively, it’s a call to courage and a path toward wisdom. ([Location 1284](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1284)) - To live without regret is to believe we have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with our lives. ([Location 1288](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1288)) - what we regret most are our failures of courage, whether it’s the courage to be kinder, to show up, to say how we feel, to set boundaries, to be good to ourselves, to say yes to something scary. ([Location 1297](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1297)) ##### Discouraged, Resigned, and Frustrated - Disappointed: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and I believe the outcome was outside of my control. Regretful: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and the outcome was caused by my decisions, actions, or failure to act. Discouraged: I’m losing my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’m losing the motivation and confidence to persist. Resigned: I’ve lost my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’ve lost the motivation and confidence to persist. Frustrated: Something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome. ([Location 1305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1305)) - Feeling discouraged and resigned is about effort rather than outcome. ([Location 1313](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1313)) - Frustration sometimes overlaps with anger. Both anger and frustration can result when a desired outcome is blocked. The main difference is that with frustration, we don’t think we can fix the situation, while with anger, we feel there is something we can do. ([Location 1315](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1315)) ### Places We Go When It’s beyond Us #### Awe and Wonder - Both awe and wonder are often experienced in response to nature, art, music, spiritual experiences, or ideas. In the midst of these moments, we can feel overwhelmed by the vastness of something that is almost incomprehensible— ([Location 1332](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1332)) - “Wonder inspires the wish to understand; awe inspires the wish to let shine, to acknowledge and to unite.”2 When feeling awe, we tend to simply stand back and observe, “to provide a stage for the phenomenon to shine.”3 ([Location 1341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1341)) - Wonder fuels our passion for exploration and learning, for curiosity and adventure. Researchers have found that awe “leads people to cooperate, share resources, and sacrifice for others” and causes them “to fully appreciate the value of others and see themselves more accurately, evoking humility.” ([Location 1344](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1344)) - Confusion ([Location 1357](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1357)) - The concept of optimal confusion is key to understanding why confusion is good for us and why it’s categorized as an epistemic emotion—an emotion critical to knowledge acquisition and learning.9 ([Location 1363](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1363)) - According to research, confusion has the potential to motivate, lead to deep learning, and trigger problem solving. ([Location 1366](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1366)) - If you ask me, stopping to think, engaging in careful deliberation, and revising old thinking are rare and courageous actions. And they require dealing with a healthy dose of confusion. And that’s uncomfortable. ([Location 1370](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1370)) - “To be effective, learning needs to be effortful.11 That’s not to say that anything that makes learning easier is counterproductive—or that all unpleasant learning is effective. The key here is desirable difficulty. ([Location 1373](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1373)) - too much confusion can lead to frustration, giving up, disengagement, or even boredom. Learning strategies most often used to help resolve confusion were seeking help, finding the most important information, monitoring progress, and planning a strategy. ([Location 1379](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1379)) #### Curiosity and Interest - Interest is a cognitive openness to engaging with a topic or experience. ([Location 1398](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1398)) - Curiosity is recognizing a gap in our knowledge about something that interests us, and becoming emotionally and cognitively invested in closing that gap through exploration and learning. Curiosity often starts with interest and can range from mild curiosity to passionate investigation. ([Location 1399](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1399)) - with curiosity, we’ve acknowledged a gap in what we know or understand, and our heart and head are both invested in closing that gap. There is a thinking challenge and an emotional experience of the satisfaction or potential satisfaction of closing the gap. ([Location 1402](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1402)) - curiosity is the feeling of deprivation we experience when we identify and focus on a gap in our knowledge. ([Location 1407](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1407)) - Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn’t be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort. ([Location 1416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1416)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Note: Choosing to be judgemental isn’t vulnerable. It’s defensive. - Our “childlike” curiosity is often tested as we grow up, and we sometimes learn that too much curiosity, like too much vulnerability, can lead to hurt. As a result, we turn to self-protection—choosing certainty over curiosity, armor over vulnerability, knowing over learning. ([Location 1422](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1422)) - Researchers are finding evidence that curiosity is correlated with creativity, intelligence, improved learning and memory, and problem solving. ([Location 1428](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1428)) #### Surprise - I define surprise as an interruption caused by information that doesn’t fit with our current understanding or expectations.18 It causes us to reevaluate. ([Location 1430](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1430)) - There’s evidence that surprise amplifies subsequent emotion, with more surprising events resulting in stronger emotional reactions. ([Location 1436](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1436)) - we use the term “unexpected,” the experience starts with thinking (just like surprise), but it often stays cognitive rather than bridging to emotion. ([Location 1448](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1448)) ### Places We Go When Things Aren’t What They Seem #### What happens when we feel two competing emotions at the same time? Can two seemingly contradictory thoughts both be true? - There’s nothing more limiting than tapping out of tension and oversimplifying the thoughts and feelings that have the power to help us understand who we are and what we need. ([Location 1460](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1460)) - As consumers of information, we have a role to play in embracing a more nuanced point of view.2 When we’re reading, listening, or watching, we can learn to recognize complexity as a signal of credibility. We can favor content and sources that present many sides of an issue rather than just one or two. When we come across simplifying headlines, we can fight our tendency to accept binaries by asking what additional perspectives are missing between the extremes. ... This applies when we’re the ones producing and communicating information, too. New research suggests that when journalists acknowledge the uncertainties around facts on complex issues like climate change and immigration, it doesn’t undermine their readers’ trust. And multiple experiments have shown that when experts express doubt, they become more persuasive. When someone knowledgeable admits uncertainty, it surprises people, and they end up paying more attention to the substance of the argument. ([Location 1468](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1468)) - Again, it’s counterintuitive, but acknowledging uncertainty is a function of grounded confidence, and it feels like humility to me. ([Location 1491](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1491)) #### Amusement - The definition of amusement that aligns with our research is “pleasurable, relaxed excitation.”4 ([Location 1496](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1496)) - Research shows that breaks involving amusement may help replenish depleted cognitive resources, and that the replenishment continues through difficult tasks. ([Location 1503](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1503)) #### Bittersweet - The bittersweet side of appreciating life’s most precious moments is the unbearable awareness that those moments are passing.—MARC PARENT, Believing It All. Bittersweet is a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness. ([Location 1512](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1512)) - multiple emotions, such as happiness and sadness, may be rapidly vacillating below our consciousness, but our interpretation may be a more integrated emotional experience. ([Location 1535](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1535)) - the experience of mixed emotion is not present in very young children, and that it develops gradually. At around age seven or eight, children report experiencing positive and negative emotions simultaneously, and by age ten or eleven, they can recognize and understand the tension caused by experiencing mixed emotions. ([Location 1540](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1540)) #### Nostalgia - memories, like witnesses, do not always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We need to cross-examine them, recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain. —STEPHANIE COONTZ, historian ([Location 1545](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1545)) - Today, researchers describe nostalgia as a frequent, primarily positive, context-specific bittersweet emotion that combines elements of happiness and sadness with a sense of yearning and loss. ([Location 1562](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1562)) - nostalgia is more likely to be triggered by negative moods, like loneliness, and by our struggles to find meaning in our current lives. ([Location 1566](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1566)) - nostalgia can be a part of both healthy and unhealthy coping strategies, depending on an individual’s personality and coping style. In her study, she found that for individuals who are prone to depression or rumination, nostalgia tends to be associated with negative emotional outcomes. ([Location 1580](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1580)) ##### rumination, which Garrido explains is an “involuntary focus on negative and pessimistic thoughts.” - Rumination is also different from worry. According to researchers, worry is focused on the future, while rumination focuses on the past or on things about ourselves that we’re stuck on.22 ([Location 1586](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1586)) - rumination is a strong predictor of depression, makes us more likely to pay attention to negative things, and zaps our motivation ([Location 1588](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1588)) - We define nostalgia as a yearning for the way things used to be in our often idealized and self-protective version of the past. ([Location 1599](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1599)) #### Cognitive Dissonance - The engine that drives self-justification, the energy that produces the need to justify our actions and decisions—especially the wrong ones—is the unpleasant feeling that Festinger called “cognitive dissonance.” Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other, ([Location 1627](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1627)) - Dissonance is disquieting because to hold two ideas that contradict each other is to flirt with absurdity, and, as Albert Camus observed, we are creatures who spend our lives trying to convince ourselves that our existence is not absurd. ([Location 1635](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1635)) - When we’re faced with information that challenges what we believe, our first instinct is to make the discomfort, irritation, and vulnerability go away by resolving the dissonance. We might do this by rejecting the new information, decreasing its importance, or avoiding it altogether. “The greater the magnitude of the dissonance, the greater is the pressure to reduce dissonance.”34 ([Location 1640](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1640)) - we need to stay curious and resist choosing comfort over courage. ([Location 1644](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1644)) - As Adam Grant writes, “Intelligence is traditionally viewed as the ability to think and learn.35 Yet in a turbulent world, there’s another set of cognitive skills that might matter more: the ability to rethink and unlearn.” ([Location 1645](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1645)) #### Paradox - A paradox is the appearance of contradiction between two related components. ([Location 1655](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1655)) - Here’s an example of a paradox from my work: Vulnerability is the first thing we look for in other people, and the last thing we want to show them about ourselves. ([Location 1658](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1658)) - Embracing the paradox teaches us how to think deeper and with more complexity. ([Location 1669](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1669)) - rejecting paradox can result in conflict and turmoil. Conversely, engaging with a paradox and accepting the competing elements as both valid can foster creativity, innovation, and productivity. ([Location 1686](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1686)) #### Irony and Sarcasm - Irony and sarcasm are forms of communication in which the literal meaning of the words is different, often opposite, from the intended message.39 In both irony and sarcasm, there may be an element of criticism and humor. However, sarcasm is a particular type of irony in which the underlying message is normally meant to ridicule, tease, or criticize. ([Location 1692](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1692)) - children do not seem to distinguish between irony and sarcasm until the age of nine or ten, when they master second-order mental state reasoning.” ([Location 1707](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1707)) - Steve and I set an intention to watch our use of sarcasm around and with the kids. It can go wrong too quickly and often ends up in shame and tears. ([Location 1714](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1714)) - When I read that these behaviors can sometimes enhance close relationships and highlight closeness, I wasn’t surprised. ([Location 1717](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1717)) - Note: disucssing irony and sarcasm between friends. - I think that’s the biggest watch-out with irony and sarcasm: Are you dressing something up in humor that actually requires clarity and honesty? ([Location 1721](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1721)) ### Places We Go When We’re Hurting #### Anguish - Anguish is an almost unbearable and traumatic swirl of shock, incredulity, grief, and powerlessness. ([Location 1743](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1743)) - The element of powerlessness is what makes anguish traumatic. We are unable to change, reverse, or negotiate what has happened. ([Location 1746](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1746)) - Gabi and I talked about how what we think is a familiar grief—a grief we’ve come to know and understand and even integrate into our lives—can surprise us again and again, often in the form of anguish. ([Location 1788](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1788)) #### Hope, Hopelessness, and Despair - Hope is a way of thinking—a cognitive process. Yes, emotions play a role, but hope is made up of what researcher C. R. Snyder called a “trilogy of goals, pathways, and agency.”6 ([Location 1817](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1817)) - experience hope when: We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try new paths again and again). We have agency—we believe in ourselves (I can do this!). ([Location 1819](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1819)) - Hope is forged when our goals, pathways, and agency are tested and when change is actually possible. ([Location 1833](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1833)) - To learn hopefulness, children need relationships that are characterized by boundaries, consistency, and support. Children with high levels of hopefulness have experience with adversity. They’ve been given the opportunity to struggle, and in doing that they learn how to believe in themselves and their abilities. As someone who struggles watching my kids struggle, I can tell you—this is hard. I remind myself of the saying “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” ([Location 1838](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1838)) - Tags: [[favorite]] ##### Hopelessness and Despair - Hopelessness arises out of a combination of negative life events and negative thought patterns, particularly self-blame and the perceived inability to change our circumstances.8 ([Location 1848](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1848)) - experiences of hopelessness are strongly and specifically related to suicidality.10 ([Location 1856](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1856)) - Hopelessness can apply to a specific situation (such as feeling hopeless about finishing school or feeling hopeless about our financial future) or to life more generally. ([Location 1858](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1858)) - Despair is a sense of hopelessness about a person’s entire life and future. When extreme hopelessness seeps into all the corners of our lives and combines with extreme sadness, we feel despair. ([Location 1859](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1859)) - Setting realistic goals is a skill and a prerequisite for hope. ([Location 1868](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1868)) - Martin Seligman’s research on resilience, especially what many people call his 3 Ps: personalization, permanence, and pervasiveness.13 ([Location 1876](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1876)) - Personalization: When we experience despair and hopelessness, we often believe that we are the problem and forget to think about larger issues and context. Self-blame and criticism don’t lead to increased hopefulness; they’re quicksand. Realizing that outside factors play a role in our struggles can give us a different lens on our experience. ([Location 1877](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1877)) - Permanence: This one is tough, because thinking that our struggle will never end is built in to the experiences of despair and hopelessness. This is the “Tomorrow will be no different from today” thinking. One way to build resilience is to practice thinking about the temporary nature of most setbacks as a part of how we look at adversity on a daily basis. We can’t afford to wait to build this skill until we’re up against something huge in our lives. ([Location 1880](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1880)) - Pervasiveness: Sometimes, when we’re struggling, we fall into the trap of believing that whatever we’re up against has stained or changed every single thing in our life. Nothing good is left. ([Location 1888](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1888)) #### Sadness - Owning our sadness is courageous and a necessary step in finding our way back to ourselves and each other. ([Location 1919](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1919)) - Technically, depression is a cluster of symptoms that persist over a period of time. ([Location 1923](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1923)) - Although sadness is one part of grief, grief involves a whole group of emotions and experiences. ([Location 1925](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1925)) - Sad people are less prone to judgmental errors, are more resistant to eyewitness distortions, are sometimes more motivated, and are more sensitive to social norms. They can act with more generosity, too. ([Location 1934](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1934)) - one function of sadness is to cause the person to evaluate their life and consider making changes in their circumstances following a negative event, as well as to recruit help and support from others.20 ([Location 1939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1939)) - acknowledging and naming our own sadness is critical in the formation of compassion and empathy. In our saddest moments, we want to be held by or feel connected to someone who has known that same ache, even if what caused it is completely different. We don’t want our sadness overlooked or diminished by someone who can’t tolerate what we’re feeling because they’re unwilling or unable to own their own sadness. ([Location 1942](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1942)) #### Grief - “A central process in grieving is the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss.”26 ([Location 1969](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1969)) - three foundational elements of grief emerged from the data: loss, longing, and feeling lost. ([Location 1971](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1971)) ##### Loss - the loss of normality, the loss of what could be, and the loss of what we thought we knew or understood about something or someone. ([Location 1973](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1973)) - Longing ([Location 1974](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1974)) - Note: .h3 - it’s an involuntary yearning for wholeness, for understanding, for meaning, for the opportunity to regain or even simply touch what we’ve lost. ([Location 1975](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1975)) ##### Feeling lost - Grief requires us to reorient every part of our physical, emotional, and social worlds. ([Location 1978](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1978)) - what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” ([Location 1989](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1989)) - Note: When someone is grieving, just listen. - Acute grief occurs in the initial period after a loss.30 It almost always includes strong feelings of yearning, longing, and sadness along with anxiety, bitterness, anger, remorse, guilt, and/or shame. Thoughts are mostly focused on the person who died and it can be difficult to concentrate on anything else. ([Location 1999](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=1999)) - Integrated grief is the result of adaptation to the loss. When a person adapts to a loss grief is not over. Instead, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors related to their loss are integrated in ways that allow them to remember and honor the person who died. Grief finds a place in their life. ([Location 2003](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2003)) - Complicated grief occurs when something interferes with adaptation. ([Location 2006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2006)) - Disenfranchised grief is a less-studied form of grief: grief that “is not openly acknowledged or publicly supported through mourning practices or rituals because the experience is not valued or counted [by others] as a loss.” ... sexual assault survivors suffer from numerous losses, many of which are invisible to others. Some of these losses include loss of one’s prior worldview, loss of trust, loss of self-identity and self-esteem, loss of freedom and independence, loss of a sense of safety and security, and loss of sexual interest. ([Location 2013](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2013)) ### Places We Go with Others #### Compassion and Empathy - What’s the most effective way to be in connection with and in service to someone who is struggling, without taking on their issues as our own? ([Location 2029](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2029)) - I would argue that a lot of this linguistic shell-gaming is about wanting to be contrarian. ([Location 2034](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2034)) ##### The Relationship Between Compassion and Empathy - Compassion is a daily practice and empathy is a skill set that is one of the most powerful tools of compassion. ([Location 2046](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2046)) - The most effective approach to meaningful connection combines compassion with a specific type of empathy called cognitive empathy. ([Location 2048](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2048)) - Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering. ([Location 2050](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2050)) - in the research literature: Compassion is a “virtuous response that seeks to address the suffering and needs of a person through relational understanding and action.” ([Location 2052](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2052)) - compassion includes action. It’s not just feeling, it’s doing. ([Location 2054](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2054)) - Compassion is fueled by understanding and accepting that we’re all made of strength and struggle—no one is immune to pain or suffering. ([Location 2055](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2055)) - When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience our fear of pain.2 Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us …. In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience—our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. ([Location 2059](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2059)) - Note: Ubuntu is connections between people because this causes compassion. Humanity is compassion - Now, I try to sit with them in the dark and show them how to feel the discomfort. Talk about moving gently toward what scares us. It’s so painful, but now that I’ve been doing it for the past decade, I can see how my kids are developing that sense of shared humanity. ([Location 2067](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2067)) #### Pity - While compassion is not rescuing, it’s also not pity. In fact, pity is the near enemy of compassion. ... near enemies are often greater threats than far enemies because they’re more difficult to recognize. ([Location 2073](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2073)) - Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering.5 ([Location 2088](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2088)) - Another enemy of compassion is despair.6 Compassion does not mean immersing ourselves in the suffering of others to the point of anguish. Compassion is the tender readiness of the heart to respond to one’s own or another’s pain without despair, resentment, or aversion. It is the wish to dissipate suffering. Compassion embraces those experiencing sorrow, and eliminates cruelty from the mind. ([Location 2092](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2092)) - Empathy ([Location 2096](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2096)) - Empathy, the most powerful tool of compassion, is an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding. ([Location 2096](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2096)) - empathy helps interpersonal decision making; facilitates ethical decision making and moral judgments; enhances short-term subjective well-being; strengthens relational bonds; allows people to better understand how others see them; and enhances prosocial and altruistic behavior. ([Location 2098](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2098)) - Cognitive empathy, sometimes called perspective taking or mentalizing, is the ability to recognize and understand another person’s emotions. ([Location 2106](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2106)) - Affective empathy, often called experience sharing, is one’s own emotional attunement with another person’s experience. ... Affective empathy, feeling something along with the person who is struggling, is a slippery slope toward becoming overwhelmed and not being able to offer meaningful support. ([Location 2107](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2107)) - Theresa Wiseman’s Attributes of Empathy:9 Perspective taking: What does that concept mean for you? What is that experience like for you? Staying out of judgment: Just listen, don’t put value on it. Recognizing emotion: How can I touch within myself something that helps me identify and connect with what the other person might be feeling? Check in and clarify what you are hearing. Ask questions. Communicating our understanding about the emotion: Sometimes this is elaborate and detailed, and sometimes this is simply, “Shit. That’s hard. I get that.” Practicing mindfulness (from Kristin Neff): This is not pushing away emotion because it’s uncomfortable, but feeling it and moving through it. ([Location 2115](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2115)) #### Sympathy - using the near enemy concept, we can definitely consider sympathy the near enemy of empathy. Rather ([Location 2136](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2136)) - Sympathy can even be a trigger for shame, ([Location 2139](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2139)) - The minute I try to put myself in your place rather than try to understand the situation from your perspective, our empathic connection unravels. ([Location 2151](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2151)) ##### compassion fatigue. - the emotional exhaustion or burnout that can occur among caregivers. ([Location 2158](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2158)) - There’s compelling research that shows that compassion fatigue occurs when caregivers focus on their own personal distress reaction rather than on the experience of the person they are caring for. ([Location 2160](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2160)) - Empathy is not relating to an experience, it’s connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience. ([Location 2166](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2166)) #### Boundaries - if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.” ([Location 2217](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2217)) - Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. —Prentis Hemphill ([Location 2223](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2223)) #### Comparative Suffering - Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us. ([Location 2250](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2250)) ### Places We Go When We Fall Short - Shame— I am bad. The focus is on self, not behavior. The result is feeling flawed and unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame is not a driver of positive change. ([Location 2267](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2267)) - Guilt— I did something bad. The focus is on behavior. Guilt is the discomfort we feel when we evaluate what we’ve done or failed to do against our values. It can drive positive change and behavior. ([Location 2270](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2270)) - Humiliation— I’ve been belittled and put down by someone. This left me feeling unworthy of connection and disgusted with myself. This was unfair and I didn’t deserve this. With shame, we believe that we deserve our sense of unworthiness. With humiliation, we don’t feel we deserve it. ([Location 2273](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2273)) - Embarrassment— I did something that made me uncomfortable, but I know I’m not alone. Everyone does these kinds of things. Embarrassment is fleeting, sometimes funny. ([Location 2277](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2277)) #### Shame - Shame is universal and one of the most primitive emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience it are those who lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. ([Location 2291](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2291)) - Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of connection), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. ([Location 2307](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2307)) - Shame is the fear of disconnection—it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong. ([Location 2308](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2308)) - Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. ([Location 2311](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2311)) - The antidote to shame is empathy. If we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates. ([Location 2314](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2314)) - Shame happens between people and it heals between people. Even if I feel it alone, shame is the way I see myself through someone else’s eyes. ([Location 2317](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2317)) - compassion.According to Neff, self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. ([Location 2321](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2321)) - This is how she defines each of these elements: Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: “Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognise that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties [are] inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.” ([Location 2322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2322)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Common humanity vs. isolation: “Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience—something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to ‘me’ alone.” ([Location 2327](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2327)) - Mindfulness vs. over-identification: “Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. ([Location 2329](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2329)) - highly recommend that you take her self-compassion inventory at www.self-compassion.org ([Location 2333](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2333)) ##### The Four Elements of Shame Resilience - Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers. Can you physically recognize when you’re in the grip of shame, name it, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it? This is why Neff’s concept of mindfulness is so important. We can’t pretend it’s not happening or get swept away (which is easy with shame). ([Location 2342](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2342)) - Practicing critical awareness. Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are ([Location 2345](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2345)) - Reaching out. Are you owning and sharing your story? We can’t experience empathy if we’re not connecting. ([Location 2347](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2347)) - Speaking shame. Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame? Silence, secrecy, and judgment fuel shame. ([Location 2348](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2348)) - We’re now seeing that shame often fuels narcissistic behavior. In fact, I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary. ([Location 2355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2355)) - It’s tough to get a glimpse of the fear and lack of self-worth that are actually behind the posturing and selfishness because posturing leads to weaponizing hurt and turning it on other people. ([Location 2357](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2357)) - Shame is not a compass for moral behavior. It’s much more likely to drive destructive, hurtful, immoral, and self-aggrandizing behavior than it is to heal it. Why? Because where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent. That’s what makes shame dangerous. The opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy. The behavior that many of us find so egregious today is more about people being empathyless, not shameless. ([Location 2361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2361)) - Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. ([Location 2368](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2368)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - When we are truly practicing empathy, our attention is fully focused on the other person and trying to understand their experience. ([Location 2371](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2371)) - Shame is an egocentric, self-involved emotion. It draws our focus inward. Our only concern with others when we are feeling shame is to wonder how others are judging us. Shame and empathy are incompatible. When feeling shame, our inward focus overrides our ability to think about another person’s experience. ([Location 2373](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2373)) #### Perfectionism - Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: What will people think? ([Location 2378](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2378)) - one of the biggest barriers to working toward mastery is perfectionism. ([Location 2380](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2380)) - achieving mastery requires curiosity and viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning. ([Location 2381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2381)) - people with high levels of perfectionistic traits:11 Are doomed to fail at meeting their own expectations and the expectations that they assume are held by others Perceive themselves as consistently falling short of others’ expectations Behave in ways that result in perceived and actual exclusion and rejection by others Feel socially disconnected and have fewer social connections ([Location 2392](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2392)) - Note: This one hurts! Share with Vicky. Why does shame do this? And why are so many of us feeling this way? Capitalism works on shame? - I often call myself a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring “good-enoughist.” ([Location 2397](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2397)) - perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.12 ([Location 2399](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2399)) - Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (good grades, good manners, nice appearance, sports prowess, rule following, people pleasing). ([Location 2403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2403)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? ([Location 2405](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2405)) - Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it often sets you on the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis. ([Location 2407](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2407)) - It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line. ([Location 2410](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2410)) - Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect. ([Location 2419](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2419)) - Perfectionism is addictive, because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. ([Location 2421](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2421)) - Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough. ([Location 2423](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2423)) - Tags: [[favorite]] #### Guilt - Like shame, guilt is an emotion that we experience when we fall short of our own expectations or standards. However, with guilt, our focus is on having done something wrong and on doing something to set things right, like apologizing or changing a behavior. ([Location 2426](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2426)) - While shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying, guilt is negatively correlated with these outcomes.15 Empathy and guilt work together to create a force that is adaptive and powerful.16 This is why when we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt—not shame—is most often the driving force. ([Location 2431](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2431)) #### Humiliation - we can define humiliation as the intensely painful feeling that we’ve been unjustly degraded, ridiculed, or put down and that our identity has been demeaned or devalued. Humiliation is most similar to shame in that we feel fundamentally flawed. But the most relevant distinction is that humiliation arises because someone else pointed out our flaws, and we don’t feel we deserved it. ([Location 2442](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2442)) - humiliation as “unjustified mistreatment that violates one’s dignity and diminishes one’s sense of worth as a human being.”19 ([Location 2448](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2448)) - ten prominent school shooters between 1996 and 1999. Harter and her colleagues reported that “in every case, the shooters described how they had been ridiculed, taunted, teased, harassed or bullied by peers ([Location 2455](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2455)) - Note: Does this still apply? What role does capitalism play in this? - [studies] found links for peer rejection, humiliation, depression, and anger with both suicidal and homicidal ideation. Perhaps more important, their studies suggest that bullying alone does not lead to aggression. Instead, individuals who are bullied become violent specifically when feelings of humiliation accompany the bullying. ([Location 2459](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2459)) - humiliation is often an attack against a social identity (ethnicity, race, sexual orientation), we must investigate what we are doing in organizational, community, and school cultures to foster safety ([Location 2463](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2463)) - Hartling suggests that humiliation can trigger a series of reactions, including social pain, decreased self-awareness, increased self-defeating behavior, and decreased self-regulation, that ultimately lead to violence. ([Location 2467](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2467)) - This connection between humiliation and aggression/violence explains much of what we’re seeing today. Amplified by the reach of social media, dehumanizing and humiliating others are becoming increasingly normalized, along with violence. ([Location 2472](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2472)) - “Never allow anyone to be humiliated in your presence.” ([Location 2477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2477)) #### Embarrassment - Embarrassment is a fleeting feeling of self-conscious discomfort in response to a minor incident that was witnessed by others. ([Location 2479](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2479)) - there are three types of events that can trigger embarrassment: Committing a faux pas or social mistake, Being the center of attention, and Being in a sticky social situation. ([Location 2487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2487)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - We absolutely can feel vicarious embarrassment when we see others in embarrassing situations, even complete strangers. ([Location 2490](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2490)) - “Embarrassment takes years to develop, and its emergence coincides with the self-conscious ability to understand what others may be thinking of us.” ([Location 2499](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2499)) ### Places We Go When We Search for Connection #### Belonging and Fitting In - Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging. ([Location 2510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2510)) - belonging has to start with acknowledging that love and belonging are irreducible needs for all people. In the absence of love and belonging, there is always suffering. ([Location 2510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2510)) - recent research shows that finding a sense of belonging in close social relationships and with our community is essential to well-being. ([Location 2512](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2512)) - Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone.3 ([Location 2519](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2519)) - We want to be a part of something—to experience real connection with others—but not at the cost of their authenticity, freedom, or power.4 Participants further reported feeling surrounded by “us versus them” cultures that create feelings of spiritual disconnection. ([Location 2534](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2534)) - When I dug deeper into what they meant by “spiritually disconnected,” the research participants described a diminishing sense of shared humanity. Over and over, participants talked about their concern that the only thing that binds us together now is shared fear and disdain, not common humanity, shared trust, respect, or love. ([Location 2536](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2536)) - Reluctant to choose between being loyal to a group and being loyal to themselves, but lacking that deeper spiritual connection to shared humanity, they were far more aware of the pressure to “fit in” and conform. ([Location 2539](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2539)) - “connection to a larger humanity gives people more freedom to express their individuality without fear of jeopardizing belonging.” ([Location 2541](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2541)) - True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are. ([Location 2545](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2545)) - When we work to fit in and be accepted, our “belonging” is tenuous. If we do or say something that’s true to who we are but outside the expectations or rules of the group, we risk everything. If people don’t really know who we are and what we believe or think, there’s no true belonging. ([Location 2547](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2547)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. ([Location 2553](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2553)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Belonging is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. ([Location 2556](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2556)) - introversion was mistaken for weakness and extroversion for confidence. ([Location 2569](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2569)) - As a parent, my goal is to help my children believe in and belong to themselves, and to know that, no matter what, they always belong at home. That we see them and love them for who they are. ([Location 2577](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2577)) #### Belonging Uncertainty - among underrepresented students at mainstream academic organizations, belonging uncertainty can have a negative impact on motivation and achievement.6 ([Location 2603](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2603)) - “It is a more general inference, drawn from cues, events, experiences, and relationships, about the quality of fit or potential fit between oneself and a setting.7 It is experienced as a feeling of being accepted, included, respected in, and contributing to a setting, or anticipating the likelihood of developing this feeling.” ([Location 2606](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2606)) - “Quisieron enterrarnos, pero no sabían que éramos semillas” … “They wanted to bury us, but they didn’t know we were seeds.” ([Location 2640](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2640)) #### Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging - Because people should feel a strong sense of belonging in an organization and shape the culture through representation, co-creation, influence, and that inextricable, unnamable, spiritual connection that is shared humanity. Anything less is not enough. ([Location 2648](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2648)) #### Connection and Disconnection - “The need for connection in which growth is a priority is the core motivation in people’s lives.12 In growth-fostering relationships, people are able to bring themselves most fully and authentically into connection.” ([Location 2670](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2670)) - “people who have strong connections with others are happier, healthier, and better able to cope with the stresses of everyday life.”13 ([Location 2673](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2673)) - I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. ([Location 2675](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2675)) ##### disconnection: - RCT sees disconnections as normative and inevitable in relationships; they occur when one person misunderstands, invalidates, excludes, humiliates, or injures the other person in some way. ([Location 2684](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2684)) - When an injured person, particularly one who has less power, can represent [their] experience of disconnection or pain to the more powerful person and be responded to, with interest or concern, the less powerful, hurt person has a sense of “mattering,” of having an effect on the other. This strengthens connection as well as a sense of relational competence. ([Location 2687](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2687)) - when disconnection is not addressed, as frequently occurs in unequal power structures, chronic disconnection and disempowerment arise, and the person “often loses touch with [their] own feelings and inner experience.”15 ([Location 2690](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2690)) - Disconnection is often equated with social rejection, social exclusion, and/or social isolation, and these feelings of disconnection actually share the same neural pathways with feelings of physical pain. ([Location 2696](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2696)) - “To avoid the pain and vulnerability that may result when their efforts to achieve connection are unsuccessful, individuals may enact their own disconnection strategies, such as hiding parts of themselves or discounting their need for others. ([Location 2701](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2701)) - There’s actually a “perfectionism social disconnection model,” and this research shows that people who are high on the perfectionistic traits scale behave in ways that cause perceived and actual exclusion/rejection by others.18 In other words, my perfectionism drives me to show up in ways that lead people to push me away. ([Location 2708](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2708)) - Authenticity is a requirement for belonging, and fitting in is a threat. Authenticity is a requirement for connection, and perfectionism (a type of fitting in) is a threat. ([Location 2714](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2714)) - There are three types of insecurity: ([Location 2720](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2720)) - Domain-specific insecurity occurs when we are insecure about a specific domain or resource in life, for example, food insecurity, financial insecurity, or a lack of physical safety.19 Combating domain-specific insecurity is about access and resources. ([Location 2721](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2721)) - Relationship or interpersonal insecurity occurs when we don’t feel we have a supportive and trusting relationship.21, 22 It can happen either in a specific relationship or as an over-arching feeling about all of our relationships. It makes us feel uncertain about being loved, trusted, protected, and valued. ([Location 2727](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2727)) - General or personal insecurity occurs when we are overly critical of our weaknesses. This may include being overly critical of our body image or our performance at work. ([Location 2733](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2733)) - the opposite of personal insecurity is self-security, which they define as “the open and nonjudgmental acceptance of one’s own weaknesses.”23 ([Location 2736](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2736)) - we can have high self-esteem but still be insecure if we’re overly critical of our imperfections. Because our self-esteem is an assessment of who we are and what we’ve accomplished compared to our values and our goals, even with high self-esteem we can still feel insecure if we’re self-critical. That is powerful. ([Location 2738](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2738)) - self-security is positively correlated with self-compassion and negatively correlated with shame-proneness, neuroticism, fear of negative evaluation, self-aggrandizement, and relationship conflict. ([Location 2741](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2741)) - if we are comfortable with our own weaknesses (in other words, if we are self-secure), we are more successful at being emotionally close to others and more likely to have healthy relationships. ([Location 2744](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2744)) - both personal and interpersonal insecurity might cause us to behave in ways that push others away or to pull away from others, for fear of being rejected. It’s similar to what we learned about the relationship between perfectionism and disconnection. ([Location 2746](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2746)) #### Invisibility - I define invisibility as a function of disconnection and dehumanization, where an individual or group’s humanity and relevance are unacknowledged, ignored, and/or diminished in value or importance. ([Location 2754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2754)) - not getting proper credit for spoken or written material, having limited or negative cultural representations of the group you belong to, experiencing outright discrimination, or being viewed as a symbol of your overall group without being recognized as an individual. ([Location 2758](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2758)) - There’s interpersonal invisibility (between people), group invisibility, and representational invisibility. ([Location 2767](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2767)) - “When a group is invisible, instead of being actively discriminated against and targeted with negative prejudices … members of that group are ignored and overlooked.26 Invisibility may manifest as being passed over for promotions and recognition; not being seen as a viable friend, romantic partner, or teammate; or being passively excluded from social situations.” ([Location 2768](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2768)) #### Loneliness - At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction—an intimate relationship, friendships, family gatherings, or even community or work group connections. ([Location 2790](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2790)) - Hunger is a warning that our blood sugar is low and we need to eat. Thirst warns us that we need to drink to avoid dehydration. Pain alerts us to potential tissue damage. And loneliness tells us that we need social connection—something as critical to our well-being as food and water. ([Location 2802](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2802)) - When we feel isolated, disconnected, and lonely, we try to protect ourselves. In that mode, we want to connect, but our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. That means less empathy, more defensiveness, more numbing, and less sleeping. Unchecked loneliness fuels continued loneliness by keeping us afraid to reach out. ([Location 2814](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2814)) - Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Timothy B.35 Smith, and J. Bradley Layton found the following: Living with air pollution increases your odds of dying early by 5 percent. Living with obesity, 20 percent. Excessive drinking, 30 percent. And living with loneliness? It increases our odds of dying early by 45 percent. ([Location 2822](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2822)) - loneliness is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, depression, and anxiety. And at work, he states that loneliness “reduces task performance, limits creativity, and impairs other aspects of executive function such as reasoning and decision making.” ([Location 2833](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2833)) - Tags: [[favorite]] ### Places We Go When the Heart Is Open - Love ([Location 2841](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2841)) - Tags: [[hw]] - Everywhere we learn that love is important, and yet we are bombarded by its failure.1 In the realm of the political, among the religious, in our families, and in our romantic lives, we see little indication that love informs decisions, strengthens our understanding of community, or keeps us together. This bleak picture in no way alters the nature of our longing. We still hope that love will prevail. We still believe in love’s promise. —bell hooks, All About Love ([Location 2842](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2842)) - the umbrella term love as including “the preoccupying and strong desire for further connection, the powerful bonds people hold with a select few and the intimacy that grows between them, the commitments to loyalty and faithfulness.” ([Location 2847](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2847)) - Love is an emotion that we’re capable of feeling in many different contexts—from intimate partner relationships and family bonds to friends and pets. ([Location 2858](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2858)) - We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.5 ([Location 2874](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2874)) - Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them—we can love others only as much as we love ourselves. ([Location 2877](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2877)) - Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they’re acknowledged, healed, and rare. ([Location 2879](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2879)) #### Lovelessness - She teaches that the injustice and systemic oppression that we see in the world today stem from a deep, collective lovelessness and calls for an ethic of love. ([Location 2888](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2888)) - Note: She’s referring to bell hooks - hooks writes, Refusal to stand up for what you believe in weakens individual morality and ethics as well as those of the culture. ... Fear of radical changes leads many citizens of our nation to betray their minds and hearts. ([Location 2890](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2890)) - Heartbreak ([Location 2897](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2897)) - Tags: [[hw]] - heartbreak is more than just a painful type of disappointment or failure. It hurts in a different way because heartbreak is always connected to love and belonging. ([Location 2899](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2899)) - Heartbreak comes from the loss of love or the perceived loss of love. My heart can be broken only by someone (or something, like my dog, though a part of me really believes my dog is a person) to whom I have given my heart. ([Location 2904](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2904)) - A related heartbreak is the death of something unique, maybe even essential, in someone I love. I didn’t want my children to stay children all their lives, but at times the loss of innocence was heartbreaking. ([Location 2912](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2912)) - To love with any level of intensity and honesty is to become vulnerable. I used to tell couples getting married that the only thing I could tell them with certainty was that they would hurt each other. To love is to know the loss of love. Heartbreak is unavoidable unless we choose not to love at all. A lot of people do just that. ([Location 2921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2921)) - The brokenhearted are the bravest among us—they dared to love. ([Location 2936](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2936)) #### Trust - Charles Feltman defines trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”11 He defines distrust as a general assessment that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).” ([Location 2941](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2941)) - Trust is more of a cognitive assessment than an emotion. But, as we all know, conversations about trust can bring up a lot of emotions, especially hurt and defensiveness. ([Location 2945](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2945)) - Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no. ([Location 2950](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2950)) - Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends. ([Location 2954](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2954)) - Vault: You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential. ([Location 2955](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2955)) - Integrity: You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them. ([Location 2957](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2957)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Nonjudgment: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment. We can ask each other for help without judgment. ([Location 2959](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2959)) - Generosity: You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others. ([Location 2960](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2960)) - Self-trust is normally the first casualty of failure or mistakes. We stop trusting ourselves when we hurt others, get hurt, feel shame, or question our worth. ([Location 2966](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2966)) #### Betrayal - Betrayal is so painful because, at its core, it is a violation of trust.13 It happens in relationships in which trust is expected and assumed, so when it’s violated, we’re often shocked, and we can struggle to believe what’s happening. ([Location 2980](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2980)) - When betrayal is the result of physical or sexual abuse perpetrated by a trusted partner or family member (such as is the case in domestic violence or child abuse perpetrated by a parent), it is referred to as betrayal trauma. ([Location 2985](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2985)) - When we’re injured by betrayal, we can suffer high levels of anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, jealousy, decreased self-worth, embarrassment, humiliation, shame, and even trauma symptoms. ([Location 2988](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2988)) - we can feel self-betrayal too. ([Location 2991](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2991)) - There’s another type of betrayal called institutional betrayal. Researchers explain that this type of betrayal occurs when “an institution causes harm [by action or inaction] to an individual who trusts or depends upon that institution.”17 Factors that contribute to institutional betrayal include strict membership requirements (military training, elite sports); the existence of prestige or power differentials (caregivers versus patients, clergy versus parishioners); and rigid priorities, such as extreme efforts to protect the reputation of the organization.18 ([Location 2996](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2996)) - Cover-ups are perpetrated not only by the original actors, but by a culture of complicity and shame. ([Location 3003](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3003)) - Either way, when the culture of a corporation, nonprofit, university, government, church, sports program, school, or family mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of that system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of individuals or communities, you can be certain of the following problems: Shame is systemic. Complicity is part of the culture. Money and power trump ethics. Accountability is dead. Control and fear are management tools. And there’s a trail of devastation and pain. ([Location 3006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3006)) - Note: Bolton - It’s possible to heal betrayal, but it’s rare because it requires significant courage and vulnerability to hear the pain we’ve caused without becoming defensive. In our research, we found that the only way back from betrayal is accountability, amends, and action. None of these things are possible without acknowledging the pain and possibly trauma that we have caused someone without rationalizing or making excuses. We’re also much better as individuals and as a culture at shaming and blaming than we are at actual accountability. ([Location 3011](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3011)) #### Defensiveness - defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem. ([Location 3017](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3017)) - our self-esteem is considered fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth. ([Location 3017](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3017)) - the opposite of a fragile self-esteem is grounded confidence. With grounded confidence, we accept our imperfections and they don’t diminish our self-worth. ([Location 3018](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3018)) - Any perceived call-out of our weakness is experienced as an attack on our worth, so we fight hard to defend ourselves against it. ([Location 3020](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3020)) - In order to try to limit our exposure to information that differs from how we think of ourselves, we get defensive and overjustify, make excuses, minimize, blame, discredit, discount, refute, and reinterpret. ([Location 3022](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3022)) - Defensiveness blocks us from hearing feedback and evaluating if we want to make meaningful changes in our thinking or behavior based on input from others. ([Location 3024](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3024)) - Note: Consider how this impacts on [[reflective practice]] - When I get defensive, I often get tunnel vision and start planning what I’m going to say instead of listening. ([Location 3033](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3033)) #### Flooding - flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”22 ([Location 3040](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3040)) - “We each have a sort of built-in meter that measures how much negativity accumulates during such interactions.23 When the level gets too high for you, the needle starts going haywire and flooding begins. Just how readily people become flooded is individual.” He also shares that flooding is affected by how much stress you have going on in your life. The more pressure we’re under, the more likely we are to be easily flooded. ([Location 3043](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3043)) - chronic flooding sets us up to dread communicating. Gottman discusses this effect in the context of marriages and partnerships, but I’ve seen the same thing in organizations. I’ve interviewed many research participants who experience chronic flooding with their bosses, so much so that every time they’re called into the office, they’re already on the path to overwhelm. ([Location 3057](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3057)) #### Hurt - “Individuals who are hurt experience a combination of sadness at having been emotionally wounded and fear of being vulnerable to harm.25 When people feel hurt, they have appraised something that someone said or did as causing them emotional pain.” ([Location 3068](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3068)) - It’s impossible to be in relationships and avoid ever feeling hurt, just as it’s impossible to know love without knowing what it feels like to have a broken heart. ([Location 3077](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3077)) - hurt happens through social interaction.26 In fact, hurt feelings are most often caused by people with whom we have close relationships when we feel devalued or rejected by the other person. ([Location 3079](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3079)) - Most behaviors that result in hurt feelings are not intended to be hurtful; they typically involve actions that are thoughtless, careless, or insensitive. However, “the more intentional an action is perceived [as], the more hurtful it feels.”28 ([Location 3081](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3081)) - Our hurt feelings are typically experienced simultaneously with other emotions, such as sadness, anger, anxiety, jealousy, or loneliness. ([Location 3084](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3084)) - When reparation doesn’t seem possible, hurt feelings can turn into anger or sadness.31 ([Location 3091](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3091)) - when we respond to hurt feelings with anger, the other person tends to match our anger with more anger. ([Location 3093](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3093)) - However, when repair seems possible and we share our hurt feelings and try to reconnect without the anger, the other person tends to respond with constructive actions including apologies and amends. ([Location 3095](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3095)) - When we’re expressing emotion, it’s important to differentiate “experiencing hurt” from “having hurt feelings.” ([Location 3105](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3105)) ### Places We Go When Life Is Good - Joy is sudden, unexpected, short-lasting, and high-intensity.6 It’s characterized by a connection with others, or with God, nature, or the universe. Joy expands our thinking and attention, and it fills us with a sense of freedom and abandon. ([Location 3134](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3134)) - Happiness is stable, longer-lasting, and normally the result of effort.7 It’s lower in intensity than joy, and more self-focused. With happiness, we feel a sense of being in control. Unlike joy, which is more internal, happiness seems more external and circumstantial. ([Location 3137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3137)) - the Greek word for happiness is Makarios, which was used to describe the freedom of the rich from normal cares and worries, or to describe a person who received some form of good fortune, such as money or health. ([Location 3142](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3142)) - the Greek word for joy, which is chairo. Chairo was described by the ancient Greeks as the “culmination of being” and the “good mood of the soul.” Robertson writes, “Chairo is something, the ancient Greeks tell us, that is found only in God and comes with virtue and wisdom.10 It isn’t a beginner’s virtue; it comes as the culmination. They say its opposite is not sadness, but fear.” ([Location 3144](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3144)) #### Joy - I define joy as an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation. ([Location 3150](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3150)) - that the very nature of joy pushes the boundaries of our ability to communicate about lived experience via spoken language. ([Location 3152](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3152)) - cultures that have more words to describe the emotion of joy may also experience joy more richly. ([Location 3153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3153)) - while experiencing joy, we don’t lose ourselves, we become more truly ourselves. ([Location 3154](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3154)) - with joy, colors seem brighter, physical movements feel freer and easier, and smiling happens involuntarily. Some researchers even describe spontaneous weeping as part of the overwhelming experience of joy. ([Location 3156](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3156)) - Researchers describe the relationship between joy and gratitude as an “intriguing upward spiral.” ([Location 3160](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3160)) - Trait gratitude predicts greater future experiences of in-the-moment joy. Trait joy predicts greater future experiences of in-the-moment gratitude. And dispositional or situational joy predicts greater future subjective well-being. It all just spirals up. ([Location 3163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3163)) #### Happiness - there’s really no consensus in the research when it comes to defining happiness. ([Location 3180](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3180)) - researchers describe happiness as an ambiguous word that has been used historically as an overarching term to describe an entire realm of positive emotions. ([Location 3181](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3181)) - the vast majority of research we have examines happiness as a trait (part of who we are), not a state (something we experience). ([Location 3183](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3183)) - Looking at happiness as a trait, researchers found that people’s “usual” level of happiness is fairly stable and highly based on hereditary factors, and that for most people, the level could be described as being on the happy side of neutral. ([Location 3185](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3185)) - I would define the state of happiness as feeling pleasure often related to the immediate environment or current circumstances. ([Location 3189](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3189)) - the pursuit of happiness may get in the way of deeper, more meaningful experiences like joy and gratitude. ([Location 3191](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3191)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Note: It’s not “happy and healthy” it’s “joyful, healthy, grateful” as a mission statement for Zoë. Being content is underrated. - what makes children happy in the moment is not always what leads them to developing deeper joy, grounded confidence, and meaningful connection. ([Location 3192](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3192)) #### Calm - I define calm as creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity. ([Location 3194](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3194)) - bring perspective to complicated situations and experience their feelings without reacting to heightened emotions. ([Location 3195](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3195)) - there are behaviors specific to cultivating and maintaining calm that include a lot of self-questioning. The process seems to be centered on breath, perspective taking, and curiosity: ([Location 3201](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3201)) - Calm is an intention. Do we want to infect people with more anxiety, or heal ourselves and the people around us with calm? ([Location 3203](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3203)) - “Anxiety is contagious.20 Intensity and reactivity only breed more of the same. Calm is also contagious. Nothing is more important than getting a grip on your own reactivity.” ([Location 3204](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3204)) - Do we match the pace of anxiety, or do we slow things down with breath and tone? ([Location 3206](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3206)) - Will freaking out help? The answer is always no. ([Location 3211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3211)) #### Contentment - I define contentment as the feeling of completeness, appreciation, and “enoughness” that we experience when our needs are satisfied. ([Location 3221](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3221)) - Contentment is characterized as a low-arousal positive emotion, along with peace, tranquility, and satisfaction. These are comfy, old-pair-of-jeans emotions. ([Location 3228](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3228)) - Contentment is positively correlated with greater life satisfaction and well-being, and preliminary evidence shows that experiences of contentment might reverse the cardiovascular effects of negative emotion. ([Location 3231](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3231)) - on one of the instruments that measures contentment, 71 percent of the variance in life satisfaction is measured by a single item: “All things considered, how satisfied are you with your life as a whole these days?”24 ([Location 3234](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3234)) #### Gratitude - It appears that many of the emotions that are good for us—joy, contentment, and gratitude, to name a few—have appreciation in common. ([Location 3240](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3240)) - There is overwhelming evidence that gratitude is good for us physically, emotionally, and mentally. ([Location 3241](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3241)) - gratitude is correlated with better sleep, increased creativity, decreased entitlement, decreased hostility and aggression, increased decision-making skills, decreased blood pressure—the list goes on. ([Location 3243](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3243)) - Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others. ([Location 3247](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3247)) - positive emotions wear off quickly. Our emotional systems like newness. ([Location 3253](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3253)) - gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something, and when we appreciate the value of something, we extract more benefits from it; we’re less likely to take it for granted. ([Location 3256](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3256)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - gratitude allows us to participate more in life. We notice the positives more, and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life. Instead of adapting to goodness, we celebrate goodness. ([Location 3258](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3258)) - with gratitude we become greater participants in our lives as opposed to spectators. ([Location 3260](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3260)) - adapting to goodness without feeling gratitude is a function of scarcity. We either want things for the wrong reasons, then feel disappointed when we acquire them, or we just can’t accumulate enough to feel whole, so we accumulate and adapt, never valuing or appreciating. ([Location 3264](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3264)) - part of the value of practicing gratitude extending the life of the emotions that make us feel most alive? ([Location 3268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3268)) - Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others. ([Location 3271](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3271)) - gratitude is a practice. It’s tangible. An attitude is a way of thinking; a practice is a way of doing, trying, failing, and trying again. ([Location 3274](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3274)) #### Foreboding Joy - If you’re afraid to lean into good news, wonderful moments, and joy—if you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop—you are not alone. It’s called “foreboding joy,” and most of us experience it. ([Location 3287](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3287)) - When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. No emotion is more frightening than joy, because we believe if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster. We start dress-rehearsing tragedy in the best moments of our lives in order to stop vulnerability from beating us to the punch. We are terrified of being blindsided by pain, so we practice tragedy and trauma. ([Location 3292](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3292)) - When we push away joy, we squander the goodness that we need to build resilience, strength, and courage. ([Location 3295](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3295)) - everyone who showed a deep capacity for joy had one thing in common: They practiced gratitude. In the midst of joy, there’s often a quiver, a shudder of vulnerability. Rather than using that as a warning sign to practice imagining the worst-case scenario, the people who lean into joy use the quiver as a reminder to practice gratitude. ([Location 3296](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3296)) #### Relief - “feelings of tension leaving the body and being able to breathe more easily, thoughts of the worst being over and being safe for the moment, resting, and wanting to get on to something else.” ([Location 3300](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3300)) - Sighing serves as a type of reset button for our body.29 It not only signals relief to our body, but it enhances relief, and it reduces muscle tension. ([Location 3313](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3313)) ##### Tranquility - “Tranquility is associated with the absence of demand” and “no pressure to do anything.” ([Location 3317](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3317)) - “Tranquil environments” provide many restorative elements that are needed to counter mental fatigue and attention depletion. ([Location 3319](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3319)) - four essential elements of a restorative environment: a sense of getting away, a feeling of immersion, holding attention without effort, and compatibility with one’s preferences. ([Location 3321](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3321)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - Settings that induce high tranquility include fields and forests and large bodies of water; ([Location 3324](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3324)) - There’s a difference between feeling content and feeling tranquil. With contentment, we often have the sense of having completed something; with tranquility, we relish the feeling of doing nothing. ([Location 3326](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3326)) ### Places We Go When We Feel Wronged #### Anger - anger is an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be. ([Location 3333](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3333)) - When we feel anger, we believe that someone or something else is to blame for an unfair or unjust situation, and that something can be done to resolve the problem. ([Location 3335](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3335)) - Researchers explain that regulating and coping with anger rather than holding on to or expressing chronic anger is crucial for the health of our brain (it reduces psychiatric problems) and other organs in the body. ([Location 3342](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3342)) - anger is a secondary or “indicator” emotion that can mask or make us unaware of other feelings that are out of reach in terms of language, or that are much more difficult to talk about than anger. ([Location 3360](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3360)) - Even if you look at the list of eighty-seven emotions and experiences in this book, more than twenty of them are likely to present as anger or with anger. ([Location 3382](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3382)) - anger is often the most compassionate response to experiencing or witnessing injustice. It can be a powerful catalyst for change that doesn’t need to be explained or justified. ([Location 3386](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3386)) - Sometimes owning our pain and bearing witness to struggle means getting angry. ([Location 3390](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3390)) - Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick. ([Location 3398](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3398)) - Internalizing anger will take away our joy and spirit; externalizing anger will make us less effective in our attempts to create change and forge connection. It’s an emotion that we need to transform into something life-giving: courage, love, change, compassion, justice. ([Location 3399](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3399)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - anger is a powerful catalyst but a life-sucking companion. ([Location 3402](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3402)) - Anger often masks emotions that are more difficult to name and/or more difficult to own. ([Location 3411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3411)) - Just as an indicator light in our car tells us to pull over and check things out, anger is a very effective emotional indicator light that tells us to pull over and check things out. ([Location 3412](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3412)) - Anger, in response to experiencing or witnessing injustice, pain, and struggle, can be a powerful catalyst for change. But, by definition, a catalyst sparks change, it’s not the change. ([Location 3413](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3413)) #### Contempt - When someone is angry at you, you’ve still got traction with them, but when they display contempt, you’ve been dismissed.8 —PAMELA MEYER ([Location 3416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3416)) - research on marriage has identified contemptuous communication as a strong predictor of divorce. ([Location 3425](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3425)) - John Gottman and his research partner were able to predict with over 90 percent accuracy which couples would eventually divorce. ([Location 3427](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3427)) - Contempt is one of the most damaging of the four negative communication patterns that predict divorce.12 The other three are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. ([Location 3428](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3428)) - “What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.13 With your words and body language, you’re lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner’s sense of self. Fueling these contemptuous actions are negative thoughts about the partner—he or she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool. In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism.” ([Location 3432](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3432)) - In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological. Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.” ([Location 3467](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3467)) - This attitude seems partially attributable to the key distinguishing feature between contempt and anger, namely that contempt results when there is the perception that the contemptible person is incapable of change. But also, a person feeling contempt often wants or needs to feel better about themselves, and they do so by diminishing the person who is the object of their contempt. It’s no wonder that “research has shown that the contemptuous person is likely to experience feelings of low self-esteem, inadequacy, and shame.”16 ([Location 3471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3471)) - Millions of people organize their social lives and their news exposure along ideological lines to avoid people with opposing viewpoints. ([Location 3479](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3479)) - “motive attribution asymmetry”—the assumption that your ideology is based in love, while your opponent’s is based in hate—suggests an answer. ([Location 3481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3481)). See [[articles - Fundamental attribution error]] - the average Republican and the average Democrat today suffer from a level of motive attribution asymmetry that is comparable with that of Palestinians and Israelis. ([Location 3483](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3483)) - Each side thinks it is driven by benevolence, while the other is evil and motivated by hatred— ([Location 3484](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3484)) - People often say that our problem in America today is incivility or intolerance. This is incorrect. Motive attribution asymmetry leads to something far worse: contempt, which is a noxious brew of anger and disgust. ([Location 3485](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3485)) - contempt is “the unsullied conviction of the worthlessness of another.” ([Location 3487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3487)) - the feeling of rejection, so often experienced after being treated with contempt, increases anxiety, depression and sadness. ([Location 3491](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3491)) - contempt causes us deep harm. ([Location 3493](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3493)) #### Disgust - it makes sense that we are disgusted by things that can contaminate our food, but why does this food-related emotion extend itself so deeply into our social world, so that people feel disgusted by certain ethnic groups (or by racism), by homosexuality (or by homophobia), and by a variety of social and moral violations that don’t involve anything physically contaminating? ([Location 3510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3510)) - With disgust, inferiority is not the issue, the feeling is more physical—we want to avoid being “poisoned” (either literally or figuratively). ([Location 3514](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3514)) - Steven Pinker refers to disgust as “intuitive microbiology.” ([Location 3519](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3519)) - Ekman found that “disgust contains a range of states with varying intensities” from mild dislike and aversion to repugnance, revolution, and intense loathing. ([Location 3523](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3523)) - core disgust is thought to protect the body from ingestion of contaminants, while disgust in an interpersonal context is thought to “protect” us from unseemly behavior or contamination of the soul. ([Location 3531](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3531)) - reactions of disgust can rapidly lead to dehumanizing, othering, and marginalizing individuals or groups of people.33 ([Location 3537](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3537)) - This element of dehumanization seems to be one of the characteristics that distinguishes disgust from contempt. They write, “The disrespect involved in disgust implies that human dignity is perceived as alienable. ([Location 3539](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3539)) - by performing it, one has responsibly degraded oneself to sub-human.” ([Location 3542](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3542)) - Disgusting people, if no longer viewed as persons, can suffer much more than ‘othering’ and marginalization.” Once we dehumanize people, violence and cruelty toward them become easier to perpetrate ([Location 3544](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3544)) - evaluations of disgust seem to indicate a reprehensible moral character that is immutable and unforgivable. ([Location 3552](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3552)) #### Dehumanization - dehumanization is a response to conflicting motives.37 We want to harm a group of people, but it goes against ([Location 3560](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3560)) - very deep and natural inhibitions prevent us from treating other people like animals, game, or dangerous predators. He writes, “Dehumanization is a way of subverting those inhibitions.”38 ([Location 3562](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3562)) - Dehumanization is a process. ([Location 3564](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3564)) - dehumanization as “the psychological process of demonizing the enemy, making them seem less than human and hence not worthy of humane treatment.” ([Location 3566](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3566)) - Dehumanizing often starts with creating an enemy image. ([Location 3568](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3568)) - Dehumanization has fueled innumerable acts of violence, human rights violations, war crimes, and genocides. It makes slavery, torture, and human trafficking possible. ([Location 3574](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3574)) - Note: Think about this in the context of humanocracy. Is bureaucracy causing dehumanisation of individuals? The examples above are extreme versions but there are micro aggressions conducted against staff everyday. Consider the Reddit community Antiwork. - Successful dehumanizing, however, creates moral exclusion. Groups targeted based on their identity—gender, ideology, skin color, ethnicity, religion, age—are depicted as “less than” or criminal or even evil. The targeted group eventually falls out of the scope of who is naturally protected by our moral code. ([Location 3579](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3579)) - Dehumanizing always starts with language, often followed by images. ([Location 3582](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3582)) - the language we use to dehumanize is effective because it actually taps into “core disgust” ([Location 3593](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3593)) #### Hate - hate is a combination of various negative emotions including repulsion, disgust, anger, fear, and contempt. ([Location 3602](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3602)) - We feel hate toward individuals or groups that we believe are intentionally malicious and unlikely to change. ([Location 3604](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3604)) - we can develop hate toward people we do not know personally simply based on their affiliation with a group or ideology that doesn’t align with our beliefs. ([Location 3605](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3605)) - a lack of direct contact with such individuals can actually strengthen hate.45 This confirms my belief that people are harder to hate close up, ([Location 3607](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3607)) - hate is actually fueled by our need for connection. I call this common enemy intimacy. I may not know anything about you, but we hate the same people and that creates a counterfeit bond and a sense of belonging. ([Location 3610](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3610)) - the documentary Disclosure, which addresses the dehumanization of trans people. ([Location 3623](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3623)) - this paradox of visibility.50 That we’re potentially more targeted because we’re more visible. And so then the need for justice, the need for real justice and understanding and hearts and minds to be changed so that the existence of a trans person doesn’t [cause] someone to react in a way that that trans person might lose their life.” ([Location 3624](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3624)) - the “goal of hate is not merely to hurt, but to ultimately eliminate or destroy the target, ([Location 3628](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3628)) - Hate crimes are meant to terrorize more than a single person; the goal is to embed fear so deeply in the heart of a community ([Location 3632](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3632)) - But any mechanism that helps one understand things from others’ points of view—love, critical thinking, wisdom, engagement with members of target groups—at least makes hate less likely, because it is harder to hate people if you understand that in many respects they are not all so different from you. ([Location 3636](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3636)) #### Self-Righteousness - “Self-righteousness is the conviction that one’s beliefs and behaviors are the most correct.” ([Location 3649](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3649)) - People who exhibit self-righteousness see things as black and white—they tend to be closed-minded, inflexible, intolerant of ambiguity, and less likely to consider others’ opinions. ([Location 3651](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3651)) - we feel morally superior to others and are trying to convince ourselves or others that we are doing the right thing. ([Location 3655](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3655)) - Given the political climate today, it’s important to understand that moral outrage is self-enhancing and related to self-righteous anger. ([Location 3664](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3664)) ### Places We Go to Self-assess - Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance than to actual accomplishments. ([Location 3676](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3676)) - Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth. ([Location 3678](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3678)) #### Pride - referring to the pride we experience when we’ve accomplished something as authentic pride. ([Location 3683](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3683)) - It is positively associated with self-esteem and negatively associated with shame-proneness. ([Location 3685](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3685)) #### Hubris - Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance than to actual accomplishments. ([Location 3697](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3697)) - the higher the hubris, the lower the self-esteem, and the higher the hubris, the higher the narcissism and shame-proneness. ([Location 3699](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3699)) - Dominance, which is a type of status that is coerced through aggression or intimidation, plays a significant role in hubris. ([Location 3700](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3700)) - “Hubristic pride may have evolved to motivate behaviors, thoughts, and feelings oriented toward attaining dominance, whereas authentic pride may have evolved to motivate behaviors, thoughts, and feelings oriented toward attaining prestige.” ([Location 3701](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3701)) - in the research, prestige status is earned—prestige-based leaders are admired for their skills or knowledge, as distinct from dominance status, which is obtained by force.7 ([Location 3704](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3704)) - observing hubris, it looks and feels terrible. However, to the person experiencing hubris, it feels good. ([Location 3706](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3706)) - hubris can increase levels of dominance, and, interestingly, dominance “does not require respect or social acceptance.” ([Location 3709](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3709)) - So when you watch someone do something out of sheer hubris and you think to yourself, Don’t they see how badly this is being received?—remember, it doesn’t need to be received well for them to feel good about it. ([Location 3710](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3710)) - the term “narcissism” into the zeitgeist.10, 17 While it’s penetrated social consciousness enough that most people correctly associate it with a pattern of behaviors that include grandiosity, a pervasive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, almost no one understands how every level of severity in this diagnosis is underpinned by shame. ([Location 3714](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3714)) - I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary. ([Location 3718](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3718)) - Jessica Tracy found that “For the narcissist, positive views of the self are too essential to leave to the whim of actual accomplishments, for they are what prevent the individual from succumbing to shame and low self-esteem.11 Instead, narcissists come to experience a globalized ‘hubristic’ pride, characterized by feelings of arrogance and egotism, which is distinct from the more achievement-based and pro-social ‘authentic’ pride.” ([Location 3722](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3722)) - folks with trait hubristic pride are more likely to experience chronic anxiety, engage in aggression and hostility, and struggle with intimate partner relationships and general social support.12 ([Location 3728](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3728)) #### Humility14 - “humility” comes from the Latin word humilitas, meaning groundedness. Humility is quieter but more genuine and ultimately more powerful than hubris. ([Location 3735](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3735)) - Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth. ([Location 3737](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3737)) - I’m here to get it right, not to be right.15 ([Location 3739](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3739)) - emotion of humility involves understanding our contributions in context, in relation to both the contributions of others and our own place in the universe. It’s different from pride in that when we feel pride, we focus entirely on the positive aspects of a specific accomplishment (which can still be healthy and productive). ([Location 3743](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3743)) - Humility allows us to admit when we are wrong—we realize that getting it right is more important than needing to “prove” that we are right. ([Location 3748](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3748)) ### Cultivating Meaningful Connection - We should not test and build on theories that are just conjecture—especially when it comes to hypothesizing about underrepresented groups while knowing very little about their stories and lived experiences. ([Location 3774](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3774)) - defines theory as: “A set of interrelated constructs (concepts), definitions, and propositions that present a systematic view of phenomena specifying relations among variables, with the purpose of explaining and predicting the phenomena.” ([Location 3781](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3781)) #### Near Enemies - Buddhist concept ([Location 3801](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3801)) - “Near enemies are states that appear similar to the desired quality but actually undermine it.4 Far enemies are the opposite of what we are trying to achieve. For example, a near enemy of loving-kindness is sentimentality—similar but different. A far enemy of loving-kindness is ill will—the opposite of loving-kindness. Similarly, a near enemy of compassion is pity and a far enemy is cruelty.” ... The near enemy of love is attachment.6 Attachment masquerades as love. It says, “I will love this person (because I need something from them).” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you will be the way I want.” This isn’t the fullness of love. Instead there is attachment—there is clinging and fear. True love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess. ... The near enemy of equanimity is indifference or callousness.7 We may appear serene if we say, “I’m not attached. It doesn’t matter what happens anyway, because it’s all transitory.” We feel a certain peaceful relief because we withdraw from experience and from the energies of life. But indifference is based on fear. True equanimity is not a withdrawal; it is a balanced engagement with all aspects of life. ([Location 3807](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3807)) - On the surface, the near enemies of emotions or experiences might look and even feel like connection, but ultimately they drive us to be disconnected from ourselves and from each other. Without awareness, near enemies become the practices that fuel separation, rather than practices that reinforce the inextricable connection of all people. ([Location 3824](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3824)) - far enemies—the real opposites—are not what get in the way most of the time. ([Location 3840](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3840)) - Near enemies can feel like manipulation and even gaslighting. Of course the far enemies destroy connection too—but you see them coming. ([Location 3843](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=3843)) #### See [[A Grounded Theory on Cultivating Meaningful Connection (Brown)]]