# Definition - RCT sees disconnections as normative and inevitable in relationships; they occur when one person misunderstands, invalidates, excludes, humiliates, or injures the other person in some way. ([Location 2684](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2684)) - ==When an injured person, particularly one who has less power, can represent their experience of disconnection or pain to the more powerful person and be responded to, with interest or concern, the less powerful, hurt person has a sense of “[[Matter|mattering]],==” of having an effect on the other. This strengthens connection as well as a sense of relational competence. ([Location 2687](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2687)) - when disconnection is not addressed, as frequently occurs in unequal power structures, chronic disconnection and disempowerment arise, and the person “often loses touch with their own feelings and inner experience.”15 ([Location 2690](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2690)) - ==Disconnection is often equated with social rejection, social exclusion, and/or social isolation, and these feelings of disconnection actually share the same neural pathways with feelings of physical pain==. ([Location 2696](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2696)) - “To avoid the pain and vulnerability that may result when their efforts to achieve connection are unsuccessful, individuals may enact their own disconnection strategies, such as hiding parts of themselves or discounting their need for others. ([Location 2701](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2701)) - There’s actually a “perfectionism social disconnection model,” and this research shows that people who are high on the perfectionistic traits scale behave in ways that cause perceived and actual exclusion/rejection by others.18 ==In other words, my perfectionism drives me to show up in ways that lead people to push me away==. ([Location 2708](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2708)) - Authenticity is a requirement for belonging, and fitting in is a threat. Authenticity is a requirement for connection, and perfectionism (a type of fitting in) is a threat. ([Location 2714](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2714)) ## Types of Insecurity There are three types of insecurity: ([Location 2720](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2720)) - ==Domain-specific insecurity occurs when we are insecure about a specific domain or resource in life, for example, food insecurity, financial insecurity, or a lack of physical safety==.19 Combating domain-specific insecurity is about access and resources. ([Location 2721](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2721)) - ==Relationship or interpersonal insecurity occurs when we don’t feel we have a supportive and trusting relationship==.21, 22 It can happen either in a specific relationship or as an over-arching feeling about all of our relationships. It makes us feel uncertain about being loved, trusted, protected, and valued. ([Location 2727](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2727)) - General or personal insecurity occurs when we are overly critical of our weaknesses. This may include being overly critical of our body image or our performance at work. ([Location 2733](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2733)) - the opposite of personal insecurity is self-security, which they define as “the open and nonjudgmental acceptance of one’s own weaknesses.”23 ([Location 2736](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2736)) - we can have high self-esteem but still be insecure if we’re overly critical of our imperfections. Because our self-esteem is an assessment of who we are and what we’ve accomplished compared to our values and our goals, even with high self-esteem we can still feel insecure if we’re self-critical. That is powerful. ([Location 2738](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2738)) - self-security is positively correlated with self-compassion and negatively correlated with shame-proneness, neuroticism, fear of negative evaluation, self-aggrandizement, and relationship conflict. ([Location 2741](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2741)) - if we are comfortable with our own weaknesses (in other words, if we are self-secure), we are more successful at being emotionally close to others and more likely to have healthy relationships. ([Location 2744](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2744)) - ==both personal and interpersonal insecurity might cause us to behave in ways that push others away or to pull away from others, for fear of being rejected==. It’s similar to what we learned about the relationship between perfectionism and disconnection. ([Location 2746](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09DTJM18Q&location=2746))